To Fall For You All Over Again
by KelsWinchester
Summary: Dean dies from Terminal Cancer and Cas has to find a way to cope. Please, R&R!


The beeping is loud, taking up the whole room, it drives him crazy but it's the only thing he can really listen to all day. His back is itchy but the effort needed to get up and reach it would make a days worth of energy, his lips are dry but there's no drink around and doesn't want to ask for it, his bones and body aches but there's nothing he can do to prevent it now. People are speaking around him but he doesn't want to hear it, he doesn't want to hear any of it anymore.

"How long does he have, doctor?" Silence dropped between them, a heavy sigh heard from on side of the room.

"He only has a matter of hours left. We've done all we can to make him comfortable in his last hours but the cancer has developed into a violent stage. I'm truly sorry." And with that the doctor left, the man sat beside his bed held onto his frail and thinned hand, his eyes forcing back tears that he won't allow to fall, his voice cracking.

"De-an…" He chocked out, he lowered his head and gathered himself before looking back up, the sickly man in the bed lazily looking over at him, his eyelids barely having enough strength to keep them open.

"Cas." Dean forced out the word and let out a weakened smile, his sunken cheekbones lifting slightly, but saw that the other man could barely look him in the eye. "Who would have thought…? I've fought every son of a bitch that ever existed, died a handful of times and now… I die because of some fucking abnormal cells?"

Dean chuckled lightly, he had to because if he didn't he would cry, he would breakdown and he wasn't allowed to do that, not in front of Cas and Sammy, he needed to be strong for both of them, show that he wasn't scared of dying again. Cas pulled one hand away and rubbed it over his face, the distress of the situation showing in the deep creases of his face.

"Why? Why did I tear out my grace? I could have cured you by now, you could have been healed by now, and you wouldn't be dying!" Cas cried out as his nails dug into his palm, his anger growing with himself, the tears almost there but the palm of his hand pushing them away before they could fall.

Dean squeezed his hand lightly over Castiel's which forced the fallen angel to look into Dean's weak green eyes. "Stop it Cas, come on." Dean nodded his head slightly and sunk deeper into his pillow, trying to feel more comfortable.

Castiel sniffed slightly and ran a hand over Dean's head where his short hair used to be before the therapy began; the hunter flinched and tried to warn Cas' hand from his head. "Dude don't, it's ugly." Cas ignored him and continued stroking the bald skin.

"No it doesn't, you still look handsome being bald, Dean." Castiel forced out a small smile this time before it fell away again, he felt something in his chest tearing, his heart? He couldn't tell, but something hurt. Watching the man he pulled from hell on a death bed, his body looking like it could be easily snapped in too, his face looking so lifeless.

"Hey guys." Sam appeared around the door, his face looking pale and drained as if he hasn't slept in weeks. He pulled a chair up beside Dean's bed and smiled at his brother. "Not causing a riot in here are we? I heard you were hitting on the nurses, _again_." Sam chuckled and so did Dean; he moved his head slowly so that he was facing his little brother, a smirk on his face.

"You know me Sammy. Whether I'm dying or not, you just gotta hit on the nurses." As all three of them quietly laughed together, they began to reminisce about their years of hunting, the meeting of Castiel and everything in between.

They smiled and laughed together whilst their sad moments were looked upon, when John died, when Dean died and when Sam died only for them to be brought back. But the reality hit them all that this wasn't a moment where Dean would suddenly appear again.

Crossroad demons wouldn't take Sam's soul, Cas didn't have a soul to sell nor could be travel and bring Dean back to Earth again. Cas held onto Dean's hand as tight as he could without the fear of breaking something and felt Dean's hand pull loose on his.

"Dean?" Sam said as he watched Dean's body slowly begin to fall limp, the fallen angel stood from his seat suddenly, the beeping in the background beginning to slow and the burning in his own eyes of tears beginning to water over.

"I'm so tired…" Dean whispered out, he leaned his head to the side and begins to feel the heavy eyelids finally start to close. "So tired…" He barely spoke before his eyes were closed and the beeping died into a long continuous noise. Cas cupped his hands on either side of Dean's face and tried to get his eyelids to open.

"Dean,_ Dean_, open your eyes, please, come on, Dean!" Castiel finally felt the wet tears roll down his cheeks, unable to hold them back this time; Sam quickly moved around and pulled Cas away from the body.

"Cas he's gone." Sam whispered, feeling Cas starting to calm in his arms before letting go and watching Castiel collapse to the floor, his eyes staring out into the blurred vision of Dean's body through his tears.

The next hour was a blur, the fallen angel couldn't recall what happened during the time, the doctors came in and took the body, Sam discussed something with the doctor, and he nodded and left. Castiel felt numb through every limb of his body, he could feel Sam trying to move him but he had no control over himself, his eyes were sore and his head ached like he was being punched in the head over and over again.

He could hear Sam crying near him but his body wouldn't turn to comfort him; the doctors attempted to move him too and ended up carrying him out in order to clear out the room. That's when he realized where he was, the smell of leather and musk odour with a mix of pine from the little trees Dean used to place on the seats instead of hanging them up since he didn't like to 'pimp his baby up'.

Fresh tears developed instantly, he gazed over to the driver's seat and felt empty, knowing that Dean would never drive her again or listen to his increasingly annoying rock music but he would miss it more than anything. He leaned back into the passenger's seat and noticed Sam heading towards the Impala before getting in.

"We've got to burn the body." Sam said in a controlled voice, he took a deep breath and looked over to Castiel who was still staring blankly out of the window. "We have to do it this time, he's gone for sure." Castiel turned and shoved Sam into the side of the Impala, his eyes fierce and sharp.

"How the _fuck_ do you know Sam? We'll get him back!" He screamed at Sam and felt his grip tightening the more he thought about it, he looked up slowly and saw Sam's eyes were just as red as his, just as sore and his cheeks still damp where tears were moments ago. Castiel quickly let go and settled back into the passenger's seat. "We have to."

"You remind me of how I was when I lost Dean to the hellhounds…" Sam responded quietly as he placed his hands softly on the driving wheel and stared out into the parking lot. "I refused to, I couldn't salt and burn him, and I just knew I had to find a way but I never did. If you didn't raise him that day, I was going to visit the place I buried him, dig him up and burn him a few days later."

"Maybe the same can happen, Sam…" Sam shook his head slowly and looked over at Cas and he could tell that he was doubting his own faith in Dean coming back now.

Sam started up the engine and began to drive out of the hospital parking lot. "You know it won't, Cas…" /tumblr

Castiel groaned to himself quietly and sunk into the seat of the car, Sam sighed out deeply and headed back to the motel they were staying in nearby. When they parked Sam paused in his seat, looking over at the broken man, he opened his mouth to speak and closed it again before placing a reassuring hand on his thigh.

"I'm here Cas, okay?" They looked at each other briefly with Sam pulling a small smile before climbing out of the car. "You coming?" Castiel nodded slowly and dragged himself out of the Impala, his legs barely holding him up still. He scraped his feet along the ground as he headed to his room, the one he shared with Dean away from Sam's.

"Cas, come and stay in my room, I can't leave you like you are." Sam tugged on his arm but Castiel shrugged him away and pulled the motel room key of his pocket and jamming it into the lock.

"No." And that's all that was said before the door was slammed in Sam's face, the younger brother headed back to his own room, with his own emotions now free to fall.

Cas slid against the length of the door to the ground and pulled his knees up to his chest, the aching in his heart growing stronger and stronger the more he thought about Dean's lifeless body in the hospital, never to come out and flash that smirk of his ever again.

He didn't know what to do, he felt empty, like there wasn't reason for him to exist anymore. Wherever he looked he felt like there was no point of it being here, the keys in his hand fell to the ground, the metal chiming together filling the deadly silence in the room.

He prayed, he hadn't prayed since the day he tore out his grace, but he closed his eyes and prayed. That maybe, just maybe he'll open his eyes and he'll wake up, that the motel ceiling will appear before him and he'll sit up, drenched in sweat from his horrible nightmare and Dean will be sat on the opposite bed, fully dressed ready to leave for a hunt and the familiar smile warming Cas' chest up the way it did every time he saw it.

The fallen angel opened his eyes and saw nothing changed; the dirty red carpet on the floor was still in front of him, the motel bed where Cas barely slept in was creased where he just collapsed onto the bed after a night of visiting Dean, and the other one clean and flat where no one had laid for weeks. His heart still ached and screamed out for Dean, but no one to respond.

His eyes drifted along the room, searching, looking, he didn't even know what for anymore, his head hurt, his body ached. Castiel forced himself to his bed, falling onto it before facing the ceiling, water collecting in the corners of his eyes before freely falling down over the temples of his head.

He gazed over to the empty bed beside him and imagined the hunter there, leaning against the wall behind the bed with a bottle of beer being nursed in his hands before throwing it back and letting out the satisfied sigh of quenching his thirst. Castiel weakly smiled and quickly blinked a few tears away, and when his eyes opened Dean was gone again, the image blown away.

Castiel cried more than he could ever remember, he tried again and again to hold back the tears but they fell without permission, he fisted at them angrily, trying to force them away but the refused to listen and continued to fall.

The thought of carrying on his days without him, to wake up the next morning and know he won't be there made his chest and throat constrict. He didn't want to think of those days, he didn't want to live through those days. Dean was_ everything_ to him, the reason he rebelled, the reason he fell, the reason he fought, the reason he stayed, the reason he lived.

_Gone. _

Now he had no reason to do any of those things, he could never truly live in his own command. He grew up to be a soldier, listen to others, he listen to his Father for thousands of years before breaking that only to fall into the command of Dean, but he didn't mind. Dean was doing things for the good of the world, the good of other people and Castiel liked following those morals. Dean was the source of his morals and existence.

All Cas could find was a pack of beer in the room that he really wanted to pay attention on, he popped open the first bottle and held it up.

"Here's to you… Dean Winchester." Castiel whispered, leaning his head back and downing the first drink of the day, until half the bottle was already gone before he pulled it from his lips and settled himself back onto the bed, leaning against the wall and the pack of beer next to him.

It took barely 40 minutes until Castiel finished his last bottle of the pack and finally felt his feelings starting to numb, he couldn't feel his heart ache and he couldn't feel the constant pounding in his head. He reached for another, this time a bottle of whiskey and began to down it in mouthfuls, he felt the liquid sting the back of this throat but ignored it as he felt his mind become lighter and lighter.

"I didn' even get to tell ya, Dean. I loved you, so, _sooo_ much." Castiel slurred out, taking another mouthful of whiskey and swirling the bottle in his hand. "Ya' never, ever, wante' me t' say it. But now you can hear it 'ere."

He sunk into the bed and felt the income of tears starting to rise again; he pinched the bridge of his nose and took another hefty gulp of whiskey. "I loved you Dean… 'nd you left me… Why?" Castiel cried out, looking up as if he was talking to the man, awaiting a reply, but when silence was the only thing in return he lifted his arm and slung the bottle of alcohol across the room, the smashing of the glass almost rang in his ears.

"I LOVED _YOU_!" The fallen angel screamed, his sudden rage pulled himself off of his bed looking for something to hit, anything to take his anger out of, he staggered into the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror, pointing at himself, "you. It's _your _entire fault, if you hadn't pulled your fucking grace out, _you_ could have saved him! He could have been _alive_!"

Castiel flung his fist into the mirror, smashing it into pieces, the glass cutting deep along his knuckles and fingers but he didn't care, he pulled his hand away and turned to return to the previous room, his balance toppling quickly before he used his bloodied hand to hold himself up, and the red liquid running down the bathroom tiles, his body collapsing beneath him and his knees hitting the hard floor loudly.

"I just wanted_ you_, Dean…" Cas whispered, his head lazily leaning against the bloodied bathroom wall, his eyes watering but the tears never falling like they were tired too, like they just couldn't even bare it anymore. Castiel mumbled to himself and felt his head becoming lighter and lighter, his eyes slowly shutting, his mind blacking out.

The next few weeks were hard, Castiel dragged himself around the small motel room, barely leaving unless it was to gather up more alcohol before heading back again, speaking a word to no one there or back and a bottle of beer constantly in his hand until he would black out and wake up, only to begin drinking again.

Sam attempted over the time to see Cas but only to be ignored to the point Sam picked the lock of the motel room to see the fallen angel sat on the floor, bottles and bottles of alcohol surrounding him, his stubble thickening and his eyes enflamed from tears and lack of sleep. Castiel barely found the strength to scream at Sam and demand to be left alone, Sam fought back to try and get Cas to go with him to recover but the response was bottles being thrown at the younger brother, forcing him to give up and eventually leave.

After that, Sam attempted to break through to him over and over again but all he received was rejection and gave up. The last ringing of his phone drove him insane; he slammed the mobile into the wall beside him and watched the pieces of the phone fly everywhere, the constant ringing from Sam finally coming to an end.

Castiel lazily grabbed another bottle, smashing the lid against the wall and drinking from the spiked top of the glass. He couldn't even taste it anymore, his taste buds numbed to the point that knowing there was even a flavour mattered anymore, he just _needed_ the effect.

His tears refused to stop, he ached everywhere and even bottles and bottles of alcohol wouldn't numb it anymore and decided to drink until the alcohol would do that or at least until it kills him.

"Castiel?" The voice was familiar, so familiar he swore that the alcohol was causing him to have auditory hallucinations, hearing this sound. He ignored it once until is called out again. "Cas?"

Castiel gave up and turned to see someone sat on the bed, his elbows leaning on his thighs and a small smile on his face. Tears instantly appeared, just when he assumed he had none left, they were there, falling down his face like a flood.

"De…_Dean_?" The fallen angel dropped the bottle of beer, the contents spilling and staining the carpet as he staggered towards the figure. He collapsed a meter away onto his knees, his face covered by oncoming fresh tears. "Dean… DeanDeanDeanDean…" Castiel repeated until his voice slowly gave out for the moment.

Dean stretched his hand out and ran it over Castiel's head, the touch like a breeze of cold air brushing through. Cas closed his eyes and embraced it, his heart speeding and aching once more. "Hey Cas."

"You can be_ here_. You just…_ can't_." Castiel cried out, Dean retracted his hand and knelt down in front of the rough-looking man, cupping his face and letting their eyes make contact.

"How do you feel?" The hunter asked, his thumb stroking over Cas' cheek and wiping a few tears away over his thickening stubble. Castiel paused, his hands fumbling with themselves, a new glaze of tears already forming.

"I can't… Already… it's too difficult Dean." He whispered back, Dean's emotion didn't alter, he simply leaned forward, their foreheads softly touching.

"You know what you have to do, right?" Both of them sat in silence for a while, sat in same position, Castiel thinking things over. He knew exactly what he had to do, there was no point him being here anymore, a small speck on the face of the Earth with no more meaning, he couldn't stand his heart hurting so much everyday anymore.

"Yeah…" Cas closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again and seeing no one there, he searched around frantically for Dean but saw he had already gone. His imagination playing with him again, but real or not, he got to see him and he craved it. He craved it _so_ much.

He stumbled onto his feet and headed for the door, his fingers fumbling messily with the lock, eventually the latch opened and he staggered outside where it was falling into night time already. His darkened and tired eyes gazed to the parking lot to see the Impala was gone, relieved in his mind that Sam wouldn't stop him. He couldn't now, no matter what.

The hospital was where he needed to go, he vaguely remembered the way to the building and slowly made his way there, his hand feeling empty without a bottle there but refused to head into a store and carried on going.

"I'll see you Dean… Finally…" Castiel forced out the weakest of smiles, barely feeling like he had the strength to really show one. People looked at him as he headed to the hospital, turning and whispering to each other, most likely about the hobo-like state he was in, no showering, no shaving and eyes reddened to the point it looked like he was drugs.

But he didn't care, people didn't exist to him anymore, they were blots in the existence of the world, whether someone came up and stabbed and robbed him, he wouldn't care.

Finally the building fell into sight; the 10 storey high building loomed over him with the darkness casting a large shadow. He paused and looked up, scanning the building from the roof to the ground and carried on walking, for the first time in weeks he felt he was doing something right, something he _needed_ to do.

Castiel headed inside and bypassed everyone he saw, shrugging off anyone who came near him, barely mumbling the words '_Dean_' as he staggered on, the elevator came into sight at last, the doors opened and he stepped inside, instantly falling to the side for bodily support.

He punched in the highest number and let the elevator fly up, people getting on and off at stops but no one questioned him, no one spoke to him. People didn't need to speak to a wrecked looking man who looked dangerous to them, they left him. The elevator dinged loudly as it finally reached the 10th floor. Castiel pushed himself off of the wall and stepped into the ward.

"Dean… I'm coming…" The fallen angel carried on, his eyes scanning for one door, he turned corridors until he saw it, and he sped up in his pace to open it, the handle locked. "No… _no_!" He cried out, his flung his already damaged fist into the glass and tore the door open, his heavily feeling body dragging itself up the stairs before tackling through one last door.

A cool breeze instantly hit his skin; he forced himself to his feet and looked around, the night sky surrounding him and stars dotted around with the moon sticking out of it all. Castiel moved forward more and more until he could see down below, he forcibly steadied himself and looked down, small ants of people scuttling around but the small breeze was all he could hear.

It reminded him of the night he fell, the night he tore his grace out for Dean. He was bored of it all, bored of being God's little army ant and always being stepped on when he had his own thoughts and questions. The leash he had around his neck chocked him and he needed to be freed, and Dean was the man to do that.

Dean opened Cas' eyes to the world and to him, how he could stand on his own two feet and make his own decisions. That's when he fell for the first time, but in love, Dean was a man of uncanny bravery and determination and he loved it, he loved everything. He was unsure at first, he pulled the hunter out of hell and knew there was something he couldn't shake off in his heart but Dean made him realize what it was.

Tearing out an Angel's grace hurt more than being tortured by having your skin peeled off by a butter knife but it was worth it, the pain he endured and the falling he did, but Dean was there to catch him. He steadied Cas back and formed him into a hunter, a normal hunter to work alongside and he loved it, the action without being scared about what his ex-brothers might think, he was free.

But Dean was his freedom and now he was locked in his own hell on Earth and couldn't bare the thought of living through his life with an empty hole all around him where Dean used to be.

The fallen angel stepped forward once more until he was on the edge of the roof; he could hear people noticing the smashed door to the roof and were starting to act. Cas looked down and saw someone that stood out among the ants. His arms opened wide and a soft smile on his face.

"Come to me." The voice was soft but clear as if it was being whispered right beside him. Castiel nodded slowly and opened his own arms and leaned forward, his own soft smile starting to show, the aching starting to fade and his mind falling into an eased state, his relief soon to come.

"I fell for you once," Cas whispered as he closed his eyes, his body falling forward and the cold wind whipping against his skin, but he ignored it, gravity taking its pull. "I'll fall for you again, Dean Winchester."

The fall was quick, he heard screams and yelling before he hit the ground but he wasn't in pain anymore. The aching in his bones, his mind and heart were finally gone, his tears were no longer needed and the empty hole was filled once more.

His Heaven appeared instantly, it wasn't anything fancy or anything big, just a small home, and an average house with average furnishing in an average area. He turned around to view the dimmed room, looking for the one thing he wanted most, he heard faint humming from the next room, and he sped his pace and stopped when he entered. A man sat on the table of the kitchen with a paper held in his hand, he dropped it down and smiled his green eyes bright, his skin plumped, healthy and _alive_.

"Welcome home, Cas."


End file.
